Classifieds

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The Astrological Classifieds
The following was ruthlessly stolen from Rob Brezney's Free Will Astrology column.

In honor of Valentine's Day in 1997, Rob wrote humorous "Classified Ads" for each one of the twelve zodiac signs. I think you'll enjoy them almost as much as I did... (see Rob's hilarious, yet often deadly accurate, weekly horoscopes)

Rob Brezsny's Free Will Astrology Week of February 13, 1997

ARIES (March 21-April 19)
"I am impossible to live with...but then isn't everyone? I will drive you crazy...but in the most interesting ways possible.You don't want to get mixed up with me...unless you love to have everyone of your certainties challenged and unless you get horny in the face of unimaginable adventures and unless you're ready to never be bored again." (top of list)

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
"Do you have a dancer's body, a writer's mind, an artist's hands, and an underwear model's face? If so, you're probably too slick for me. I'm a down-to-earth magician who loves gritty reality far more than glittery fantasies. Like the skilled Japanese pottery-makers whose work is valued for its trademark blemishes, I thrive on life's imperfections. I'll love you for who you are, not who you might be someday." (top of list)

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
"James Thurber once said of a ruined relationship,'Our love never ripened into friendship.' But I promise you no one'll ever say that about me and you. I'm not just a flirtatious seducer lusting after your sex, sweetheart; I'm a multifaceted companion who wants to collaborate with every single one of your nooks and crannies. My goal in life is to be addicted to kissing my very best buddy." (top of list)

CANCER (June 21-July 22)
"Come into my Soul Kitchen, baby. Slink into my Big Yumyum and let me stoke your forbidden pleasures. I've got goodies for you, sweetheart. I've got got honey kisses and dazzle-nectar, ambrosial caresses and strawberry pancake breakfasts in bed, forever and ever, amen. Feel your mouth water? Feel your mind and heart unite in their craving for my delicious feast? Give in to the magic, sweetheart. Slip into my Soul Kitchen and let's fill each other up. Now please repeat after me: 'All I want is everything.' (P.S. Free jelly doughnuts to all comers.)" (top of list)

LEO (July 23-Aug 22)
"I have everything you want and more, honey, so what the hell are you waiting for? Get your sweet ass over here and serenade me in intricate detail about just what a gorgeous, radiant creature I am. Knee pads will be provided, but keep in mind that I want a smart worshiper, not a robotic slave. In return, of course, I'll give you my heart of gold and an emotional life so rich you'll think you're a millionaire." (top of list)

VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)
"My astrologer has informed me that the gods have finally lifted the hex that's kept me from giving and getting all the love I deserve. My karmic debts are all paid up, at least the romantic ones! So what do you say we celebrate? I'm no expert at guiltless fun, but I'm willing to learn at the hands of a master. If you smell good and know how to make love with your mind as well as your body, that's the only love spell I need." (top of list)

LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)
"Tired of both boringly nice goodie-goodies and menacing lunatics trying to pass off their pathologies as 'sexy'? I'm the happy medium, sweetheart: a crafty straddler of the mysterious edge where yes and no overlap, where the difference between bad and good just ain't that simple. Give me the chance to wow you with my mastery of the contradictions. Let's drink in the twisted lyrics of a Marilyn Manson CD, then attend a New Age workshop on how to commit random acts of kindness. I swear you're going to thrive on my talent for balancing the whole crazy world on the end of my wits." (top of list)

SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)
"Fire-breathing Scorpio with voodoo-doll eyes and a talent for walking on the water seeks a sinner who's at least half as silky and slippery as me. I don't just want a lover, in other words, I want a partner in crime -- preferably with no outstanding warrants and an elegant collection of sex toys. Good table manners definitely not important. My inner child wants to get into the funnest possible trouble with your inner child." (top of list)

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)
"If you think a hundred words can describe me adequately, you obviously need a more superficial lover with a brain far emptier than mine. I'm so crammed full of dreams and schemes that being with me is like having three different lovers at the same time. Think you can keep up? Then let the experiments begin. I'll be your wild-eyed, smart-mouthed, spread-eagled muse if you'll be mine." (top of list)

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)
"Don't love me just because I'm so attractive and smart. Love me because I'm a resourceful worker in behalf of the things you and I are most passionate about. Love me because I'm living proof that a good plan and rugged determination beat flashy talent any day. Love me because when all the dilettantes and fairweather companions have dropped out of the running, I'll still be there doing whatever it takes to get you and me into the winner's circle." (top of list)

AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)
"Taking long walks under the moonlight, sipping wine and holding hands during candlelit dinners, listening to creamy love ballads in front of a roaring fire: HELL NO! #%^&* that! Instead, let's scream '70's songs at the top of our lungs as we run down the middle of the street after midnight carrying a greased pig! Or let's go windsurfing off the coast of Madagascar and then get it on in a tidal pool downwind from a tribe of alligators! Or let's trade clothes and rollerblade out to the closest bridge for a no-holds-barred spitting-into-the-wind contest!" (top of list)

PISCES (Feb 19-March 20)
"I'm the one! Pick me for your mission impossible! I'm the one! Pick me to help you storm the kingdom of heaven! Everybody's somebody's fool; let me be yours! I have no shame and I want no limits! I give till it hurts and if you're smart you'll let me teach you how! So electrify me in a sanctuary! Amaze me in a labyrinth! Undress me on an altar! Engorge me in a waystation! And I'll resurrect you wherever you want!" (top of list)

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